I had to explain my testimony in an application essay, so I figured I would post it on here so that everyone who reads my posts knows some background. This is quite summarized, but still lengthy. :P
I grew up in a Catholic home: I attended church and Sunday school, even became an alter server, and actually loved church for a while. However, as I grew up, I grew to dislike church. Who was this Jesus man? Why did he rudely call women “woman” instead of by their name? Who gave Him the right to be so harsh and rude and make me do these traditions every Sunday? We moved in fifth grade, and from that point and through my confirmation in eighth grade, church was my least favorite place to be.
After spending freshman year halfheartedly following my best friend around as she got interested in drinking and boys and sex, I was starting to let her convince me that what she was doing was acceptable. I thank God to this day for Him creating in me a ‘goody two-shoes’ attitude that encouraged me to only take one can or bottle of alcohol and find a way to dump out some while my friends were not looking and that those actions were the worst of it. Before I could venture to the party scene of sexual activity and drugs, God intervened through my parents. The news of my best friend’s problem with alcohol found my parents’ ears while I discussed it with another friend on the phone one night during the fall of my sophomore year; that night changed everything. My parents banned me from hanging out with my best friend until she stopped drinking. Because of that, and getting a lead role in the musical that year, I lost almost all of my friends at my school. I felt rejected, sad, worthless, and inferior. I tried finding new friends and discovered that a habit I liked to call ‘church hopping’ led to friendships. I would visit my friends’ churches all the time; honestly, I cannot give any explanation to why I did this other than a desperate need for friendship. Then, a beautiful sister in Christ named Sam befriended me. She was a junior that year and although we had chorus together the year before, we did not get close until my sophomore year when we had gym class together. Sam was supposed to have transferred to a private Christian school that year, but she decided to stay at my public high school because, as she explained in gym class one day, “If I go to that school, how can I be a light for Him for those who are lost?”
The more I knew Sam, the more I wanted to be her friend, so when she invited me to youth group one Wednesday night, I was more than happy to go with her. She attended a nondenominational church called Harvest Community Church. At first, I kept returning to the youth group and church for two very wrong reasons: music and boys. God knew that a sweet Christian boy and some catchy music was all it would take to keep me attending church in the beginning. But God didn’t stop there: He introduced me to a group of teenagers that were completely different than my old friends, and families that had love and trust and respect that mine did not. I was amazed at how quickly they accepted me and how there were people that actually put effort into having a friendship with me. I had never experienced that before and I was not about to miss the opportunity to have it. My newly found interest for this nondenominational church displeased my Roman Catholic parents and every attendance was a struggle and a fight. Still, by God’s power, I made it to some services and, maybe most importantly, a weekend-long youth conference.
Acquire the Fire came at the perfect time. My family and I were fighting constantly and I was quickly losing the battle in being able to attend Harvest. The shame of my parents not knowing that I had drank and then the guilt of causing problems in my house had led me to frustration and confusing. I saw the weekend as a getaway to spend more time with friends and forget about the problems at home, but it turned out to be much more. I remember that the drama and the audience were two factors that really impacted me. The drama was extremely powerful and really opened my eyes to God’s power and judgment; on the other hand, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there just completely on fire for this one cause. I remember that at certain points during the weekend, I thought I was a believer, and other times I realized how nonexistent my faith was.
Saturday was another long day of drama, music, causes, movies, and speakers. As the events drew to a close late that night, the conference transitioned into a more intense time: the lights changed to blue, a guitar player improvised in the background, and the speaker became more intent with his speaking. He began to talk about forgiveness and how we could give ourselves to Christ. He talked about our need to humble ourselves and accept Jesus Christ as Lord in our hearts. Remaining in my seat, I watched quietly and self-consciously as people went to the front to kneel. It was impacting to see people behaving this way in person because I had only seen these activities on a television screen. The longer I sat there, the deeper it sunk in: I could not give up my pride and believe in God. I could not trust that He existed. My upper body collapsed over onto my lap and the tears began to flow as a war raged within me; I could not get over my pride and just accept that God existed and sent His son for me. Could I really let myself believe in something that seemed so ridiculous? What would happen? What did that mean for me? Could He really exist? I felt like there was a massive wall within me that I could not tear down. I cried and begged God to show me how to trust Him, to forgive me for everything I did against Him, to let me be convinced of His existence. Little did I know that I was being reborn. As I sat there, folded in half with my head in my hands and tears pouring onto my feet, fighting a war within myself, I felt a hand on my back. Sam simply placed her hand on me to let me know she was there for me. Everything clicked. Everything made sense. All of the hurt, fights, and rejections made sense; God had been stripping me of my comfortable life so that I could know Him and He used Sam to bring me there. I cried and cried, and this awesome joyful feeling welled up in my chest. “I’d like everyone to stand up…” said the speaker.
As I went to stand up, I felt all of the strength leave my body and I began to tremble. It was the oddest sensation! I was so emotionally drained and overwhelmed by God that my physical strength wavered. I grabbed onto Sam and the girl to my right, and they put their arms around me and smiled. When I looked over at Sam, she grinned at me and said, “It’s God.”
